grown up · new parents · winging it

When I grow up … 

I sit here at night watching my baby sleep through the video monitor. I watch each little strech, each roll and listen to her sigh at her dreams. I watch this little human in her cot and cant believe she’s mine. 

I mean me. I’m responsible for this little bundle. I’m the one who is supposed to show her how the world works. What’s right and what’s wrong. I’m to be a role model. A teacher. A cook. A therapist. An adult. Who the hell let that happen? 

I still spend my free time playing dress up. I’m obsessed with all things Disney. My idea of a good way to waste time is to laze on the couch watching TV with snacks and a juice box or making dens. And I spend most of my time driving Scott crazy by asking ridiculous questions and telling him bad jokes. 

My house is full of merchandise from movies and TV shows. We have a map of middle earth on the wall. There’s 8, that’s right 8 sonic screwdrivers in this house. We have Disney ornaments and a collection of treasures that are aimed at the 3-10 age bracket. And the entire Disney collection (bar one or two) in numerical ordering DVD.

My living room resembles forbidden planet and yet I’m responsible for a living breathing human. 

I’m 24 we rent our house currently, I’m learning to drive finally, I have a degree, a job, a mix of  a hobbies, I have direct debits, I keep a calander, I read intellectual books (when my brain has the capability to) I go to the theatre, drink gin and can cook pretty much anything from scratch. As adult as this all sounds I still don’t feel like a grown up.

I’ve been sat waiting for this ‘change’ to happen where I’ll suddenly become an ‘adult’ and finally have some kind of clue about what the hell I’m doing. As a mama, career wise, with life in general. When does that happen exactly? I mean the older I get the more I strongly believe we are all just winging it. Even the ones who look like they have their shit together. 

So for now I guess I’m just this over grown child making her way through life hoping that my decisions don’t screw up my kid.

Love and hugs,

Hayleigh xo

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